The Joys of Living In Your Own Strengths

Have you ever watched children as they mimic their friends in an effort to be like someone else? Often, the result is not pretty.  They become irritable and often get into battles with the sibling or the peer they are trying to emulate.  Even when they do succeed in such an impersonation, they do so only to their great disappointment.  Why?

The answer lies in the truth of temperament. We cannot change who we really are.  We can "try on" another's personality, but it will not "fit" — like clothes that are too tight, shoes that are too short, a hat that is too big. The personality does not feel good or look good, and the result is a feeling of discomfort and feeling conspicuously different.

  

Recently I observed a little girl (an ISFJ) whose older sister is an ISFP.  The temperaments are strikingly in opposition to each other although three of the letters of their type are identical.  The J and the P create a stark contrast.

The ISFP, who is older in this case, is what her temperament strengths display as joyful, exciting, bold, daring, a risk taker, one who wants freedom and constant new experiences, and wants to make an impact on observers with her antics and appearance.

The younger ISFJ has strengths of responsibility (which opposes risk), a guardian of the rules of society and tradition, an organizer who likes a routine that means today is much like yesterday.

As is often the case, the younger child tries to copy what the older sibling does, so this little ISFJ tried her hand at attracting attention by following her sister into a risky maneuver.  Less agile than her sister, she was unsuccessful in her risky move, sustained an injury and embarrassed herself in front of those she was attempting to "impress."  The result was not only pain from an injury, but the pain of feeling a failure.  She did not feel any thrill from the risky move and no fulfillment from experiencing the joy of just daring to do it.  Her little heart was hurt, and she became irritable and upset.  Her need, at that moment, was to be assured that she was wonderful for who she really is, and that she need not try to be like her sister.    

Although her ISFP sister was also unsuccessful in her attempt at the maneuver, she was laughing and joyous just for having made the attempt, and she was quickly off to her next bold move, feeling that she had made an impact on the observers because she was rewarded by the shock and surprise on their faces at what she had attempted to do. 

To feel the fulfillment of our strengths, we must live within them and develop them, rather than try to climb into the role of someone else's strengths.  Our joy comes from appreciating who we are and being the best of who we are.

For my own experience, it has been a release to find that I am not as odd as I have always felt.  I am an ISTJ. (I know.  "That explains a lot!" you may think, facetiously, to your self. )  That "I" represents only 25 percent of the population, so we (the “Is”) are in the minority.  Society is made for the "Es" (the extroverts), so introverts feel out of place.  I never felt comfortable in a role that put me in the midst of strangers for long periods or required that I be in crowds.  Nor was I comfortable in the "limelight," so when I put myself in such a setting (particularly as an awkward teen), I was very uncomfortable and often irritable.  

It is not that introverts don't like to be around people.  SJs are a very social temperament. It is just that when our batteries are drained (and that happens relatively fast for introverts when they must interact with strangers or groups of people for too long -- and too long is relative), we seek solitude, or the companionship of only those with whom we are close, to recharge.  It was a joy to finally understand myself and relax in who I am. Whether others understand or not is then less intimidating and hurtful, because I understand why they may think I'm different. However, it's okay to be an introvert.  Introverts have some very admirable qualities.  Those who do not understand have yet to appreciate who they are themselves.

If you have not come to understand your own temperament, my hope for you this year is that you will.  Your joy will increase when you feel comfortable and fulfilled in "your own skin," when you know the "direction your life is intended to go."

Here's a tip:  Get the book, INNERKINETICS - Your Blueprint to Happiness and Success, by Ray W. Lincoln.  It will be a great tool to help you understand others and yourself. (Use the coupon code IKKey for a discount).

The Joy of Watching Children Grow!

Some little girls (my granddaughters) gave me great delight recently.  I love being a grandmother. Nothing brings more joy than the excited greeting from them as they scream "Mema" and come running to greet me upon my arrival.  Is there a grandmother anywhere who does not love that?  I doubt it.

Two of my four granddaughters are SJs:  one is an ISTJ (same as me) and the other an ISFJ.  I observed some very SJ-like expressions of temperament in one of the SJs recently.

The ISFJ currently shares a room with her ISFP sister.  The SP  is all about what she is doing "in the moment" (typical of SPs) and when she is looking for something that she wants to play with or a costume she wants to wear, toys and things fly every which way as she goes in search of the sought-after item.  Once it is secured and while she is still "in the moment," she enters her world of play and continues until the next stimulation prompts the next search.  The SJ (13 months the SP's junior) entered their room after just such quest and, looking around, remarked, "This room is a wreck!"  She is very careful with her toys and treasures (also typical of SJs), so she was disturbed.

On another occasion, the SJ observed something her SP sister was doing — something she knew would not please their mom — and remarked, "Not a good decision."   I chuckle every time I remember the scene and hear those words in my memory as she expressed them.  Even at this young age, the drives of their temperaments are already finding very strong expression.

We must appreciate both the SJ and the SP for who they are.  Each has wonderful qualities that their InnerKinetics have provided.  The challenge for us is to help the SP express courage, for instance, as opposed to just "daring" (the difference being the wisdom and determination to do the right thing even when others are "daring" her to do the opposite when no one else is looking).  We must help the SJ to increase faith, avoid worry, and to remember to play and experience joy as well as be responsible.  The two temperaments can help each other as long as they appreciate each other's opposite strengths.

I love my little granddaughters and am joyfully watching them grow and develop into the wonderful, but very different persons that their Creator designed them to be.

Have you observed such temperament-specific strength displays in your children or grandchildren? Share them with us on I'M A KEEPER's FaceBook page.

The Joy of "Being Me!"

I’m not sure who was the first to sing this (Sammy Davis Jr., I think, although Frank Sinatra used it a

great deal).  No matter!  It’s the words that have been ringing in my head lately.  I find one flaw with the lyrics.   

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong,
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong,
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am.

I want to live, not merely survive,
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive.
I gotta be me, I gotta be me.
The dream that I see makes me what I am.

That far-away prize, a world of success,
Is waiting for me if I heed the call.
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all.

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be.
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me.
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free,
Daring to try, to do it or die!
I've gotta be me.

It is VERY important to be yourself rather than a clone of someone else, and it's even more important to develop the blueprint inside of you than to “remodel” yourself to be what someone else thinks is what you should be or how you should think or act.  

It is this “blueprint” — your innerkineitcs — that make you who you are.  It gives you the vision to become the only person who can do what you were uniquely designed to do.  That vision inspires you and generates the energy required to achieve that dream.  Therefore, “[Don’t] settle down…  [Don’t] settle for less!”

Being yourself and developing that blueprint will give you the fulfillment that nothing else can.  (It makes you the person who your partner fell in love with (if you have that kind of relationship).  You really “cannot be right for someone else if your are not right for [yourself].”)

So what is the flaw I find in the lyrics?

The “flaw” is in the words “Whether I’m WRONG.”  When we live in our strengths, developing that blueprint as intended, and encouraging others to develop their unique blueprints, we are RIGHT!  

When one uses “being me” as an excuse to use his or her strengths to hurt others or himself, it is WRONG, and that person is not “developing the blueprint” within.  That person is instead living in a weakness and destroying his or her potential.  And, quite frankly, that person is doing no justice to being themselves.

It is important to appreciate who you are, how you are made, and what you are meant to be.  It is just as important to recognize and appreciate the uniqueness in others and find appropriate application of each individual’s strengths.

What are your thoughts when you hear the song?

Choices, Part 2

In his book Duty, Robert Gates tells about Lieutenant Jason “Jay” Redman, a Navy SEAL who was shot seven times and endured nearly two dozen surgeries. On the door to his room at Bethesda Naval Hospital, Jason posted a hand-written sign that read:

ATTENTION. To all who enter here. If you are coming into this room with sorrow or to feel sorry for my wounds, go elsewhere. The wounds I received I got in a job I love, doing it for people I love, supporting the freedom of a country I deeply love. I am incredibly tough and will make a full recovery. What is full? That is the absolute utmost physically my body has the ability to recover. Then I will push that about 20% further through sheer mental tenacity. This room you are about to enter is a room of fun, optimism, and intense rapid regrowth. If you are not prepared for that, go elsewhere. The Management.”

Jason made many choices in his young life.  There are 7 evidenced in his door sign:

• He chose how people were to react to his plight in his presence.
• He chose not to allow negative reactions to enter his presence.
• He chose a dangerous job.
• He chose to show his love for his job, people, and his country at great cost.
• He chose to overcome his injuries.
• He chose to what level he would overcome his injuries.
• He chose the atmosphere that would nurture his goals and forbid others to infect it with conditions that would inhibit his goals.

Jason did not choose to get shot seven times.  Nor did he focus on the people who shot him with blame.  He chose to focus on what would make a difference.  The choices he made determined what the outcome of his injuries and the subsequent surgeries would be.  He chose life and the quality of life that he would have.  His choice overcame the potential destruction and damage that could have been the result of his wounds.

Instead of blaming his injuries for making him a cripple, he chose to recover to 120% of what his body would physically allow.  And I have no doubt that his mental and emotional recovery was even more than 120% because of his choice.  

If we can look at our own misfortunes in such a way, we can overcome them too.  But overcoming requires that we choose to recover.  

Jason has my respect because he respected himself enough to choose boundaries and goals that fostered his development in the direction that would overcome, and he enforced them.  We must do the same in our circumstances.  When we do, we respect ourselves and we earn the respect of others.

Choices, Part 1

Benjamin Franklin did something quite remarkable early in his adult life that made him the great man that he was in history.  I read recently that Franklin noticed that he had difficulty getting along with people; he argued too much, and he had trouble making and keeping friends.  At age 20, keenly aware of what he believed were his own character defects that hindered him, he determined to do something about it. 

He made a choice: He chose to examine his own personality, list what he considered undesirable personality traits, and do something about them.  He then selected 13 virtues he wanted to enhance in his life that he believed would help him become a better person. The virtues he aspired to enhance were:

1. To be temperate, especially in the consumption of food and alcohol.

2. To practice silence and to speak only words that benefit others.

3. To live an orderly life.

4. To resolutely do what ought to be done.

5. To practice frugality.

6. To work diligently and manage time well.

7. To be sincere and honest.

8. To do what is right and just.

9. To be moderate in all things.

10. To practice cleanliness.

11. To remain tranquil and calm, particularly in situations that cannot be avoided.

12. To practice sexual constraint.

13. To learn humility by imitating the figures of Jesus and Socrates.

Though these sound very much like SJ strengths, other temperaments can certainly possess them too.  However, the SJ is often identified by such strengths.

It was not because Benjamin Franklin was an SJ that made him great though.  It was his choices that made him great!  He chose to develop the strengths that he was given at birth and to use them to become a better person and to help his country and his fellow man.

Suppose he had not made the choice to develop this list of strengths.  He would not have become the admired and respected diplomat that he became.  People would not have looked up to him or chosen him to represent them.  France would not have responded to him positively and probably would not have helped the young nation that was emerging.  What effect did his choice for his own life have on the history of America?

Your choices about your life may not affect the world to the extent that Franklin’s did (although they might), but they will certainly affect YOUR life.

Wishing won’t make it so, but your choice can.  How is your life going right now?  Is there anything that needs changing?  I know there are areas in my life that need work.  Recognizing our needs is the first step, just as it was for Ben Franklin.  The next step is the one that will make the difference.  One good decision could change everything. 

The choice is yours.

Discover your strengths.  A great aid to that discovery and to developing your strengths is INNERKINETICS — Your Blueprint to Excellence and Happiness.

Stubborn Determination: SJs

Biographies and autobiographies are very interesting to me.  It must be something about the reality of someone’s life — how they lived, what struggles they encountered, and how they made it through that appeals to my SJ way of relying on the past.  There is something very encouraging about hearing the difficulties, which are often greater than any I have faced, and celebrating a person’s survival.  Funny thing: the people who share the stories I have read never complained.  They always felt that they were better for having gone through their trials.

Louis Zamperini, the hero of Unbroken (movie and book), in his book Don’t Give Up, Don’t Given In, tells of how much he wanted to win a mile race.  He had watched the 1934 NCAA Track and Field national championships in Los Angeles when Glenn Cunningham raced against Bill Bonthron in the mile.  Cunningham had already run an indoor 4:08:04 mile and had an outdoor time of 4:09.8.  He was about 8 seconds behind Cunningham — a long distance in a mile race.  Cunningham was his hero because Louis had read the story of how Cunningham had been severely burned as a child in a fire that had killed his older brother.  He had lost a great deal of flesh and all the toes on his left foot.  He was burned on both legs and up to the middle of his back.  Doctors gave him little chance of walking again, let alone running.  

“Cunningham epitomized resilience and resolve,” wrote Zamperini and he described how Cunningham had massaged his legs to stimulate blood flow, endured physical therapy and willed himself to stand, then walk, and finally to run.  Cunningham’s efforts and sacrifices inspired Zamperini and says he knew of no story as compelling as Cunningham’s.

Cunningham lost that 1934 race to Bonthron and Louis Zamperini determined that someday he would get that record back for Cunningham.

Louis got his chance in 1938 when he raced for USC in the NCAA championships.  His coach told him the night before that the opposing team coaches were going to tell their milers to do “anything they can to knock [Louis] out of the race.”  The runners did as Louis’ coach had predicted: cursed Louis, ran their spikes through his little toe, gashed Louis’s right and left shins, elbowed him in the ribs - and cracked one when Louis tried to pass.  In the last 120 yards, the other runners loosened up because they thought their leader was far enough ahead. Louis took advantage, fighting through the pain, and turned it on to win the race and establish a new record of 4:08:03 that stood for 15 years!  What a finish!

Newspapers the next day showed in photos the extent of how he’d been beat up, but the real story was that, according to Louis, his “persistence, perseverance, and unwillingness to accept defeat when things looked all but hopeless were part of the very character traits [he] would need to make it through World War II alive.”  The rest is history.  His story is one of a real hero!

In Louis’s own words: “Of course, you don’t have to live through a war to have those qualities work for you every day.  Sometimes a day in the office or raising kids is just as challenging.”

His story inspires me!  Whatever you are going through today, just remember that what you need is to find the way to get through it.  Getting through it will be a WIN!  And the character you build in the process will be what you need to find the way to win the next battle you face!  Life is about building and building takes work in the form of persistence and perseverance — something a lot of people describe in us SJs as “stubborn determination.”  So be it!

Joy Defeats Fear!

Joy defeats fear!  Did you know that?  The two cannot co-exist, and joy is the trump card!  Think about it.  Have you ever felt fear when you were full of joy?  Joy is the overcomer.  The challenge is to find that joy.  How can we do it?

According to Maria von Trapp’s song in The Sound of Music, “…when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.”  She “sang” her list of favorite things:  

“...raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mitten, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs...”  

According to Maria, these were her favorite things and they brought her joy when things got tough.

What makes you smile?  What brings you joy?  Make a list!  It will do your “JoyBox” good!  Begin right now.  I’ll help you along by sharing some of mine.  Perhaps these will remind you of some you need to recall.

• A kiss from my husband
• The laughter of a baby
• The first flowers that open outside our door in the spring
• The smell of the lilac trees when in full bloom
• Hiking beside a stream in the mountains where I can hear the water flowing well
• Sunlight or moonlight sparkling on snow
• The first bluebirds that arrive in the spring
• The return of the song birds every spring and their sound throughout the summer
• Lambing season — nothing prettier than lambs in the green paddocks in the spring
• Baby ducklings and goslings as they swim or waddle behind their parents to explore their new world
• The sound of rain
• Talking to my granddaughters or watching them play
• The smell of ozone in the air after a thunderstorm
• Morning sun on frosted trees and shrubs
• Rainbows
• The sound of children at play
• Wind symphonies in the Ponderosa Pines
• Sunlight (or moonlight) dancing on a river
• Hummingbirds feeding from flowers or feeders or zipping by
• A full moon
• The smell of a damp forest

These are a few of my favorite things, and the “joy” of them all is that although not one costs a penny, they all bring me joy.  Thinking of them dispels my fears.

So what is on your list?