THE JOY OF THE “AHA” MOMENTS

Don’t you just love the “aha moments:” when the lights come on and things suddenly all make sense or you finally “get it!”  Sometimes they are hard to come by -- for me, anyway.  When I am deeply troubled about some issue, it’s as though I’m surrounded by walls that are keeping the light out no matter how hard I search for a window or exit.  Then I suddenly find a crack that is letting the light in and I “thrust my mental fist” through to see the answer.  Whew!  What a joy!

That’s the experience that comes when we suddenly understand someone who may be of the same temperament that we are, but may be a different type.  They are the “same,” but “different.”  Or it may be when we understand someone of a totally different temperament.

SJs find common ground in seeking security and stable footing.  All are very conscious of society and seeing to it that it functions well for all.  You know what I mean: obey the rules, respect lessons of the past, plan for contingencies, etc.  

But two SJs will differ when one’s type is influenced by an E (extrovert) and the other by an I (introvert).  The ESJ will be very focused on seeking increased contact with other people, while the ISJ, while being concerned for others and sociable, will quickly tire in social settings.

And what happens when the difference is between the T and the F?  Again, same temperament (SJ), but one is a STJ and the other is an SFJ.  SJs are all about details. The STJ will handle the operational details well, but will appear much “harder” and “cooler” in their demeanor and may be more concerned about “things” running smoothly.  On the other hand, the SFJ will be concerned with details, but will focus on the social details more than the operational ones.  

Now, if you are an F of any temperament, you will be saying to yourself, “The SFJ has it right.”  However, if you are a T of any temperament, you may be saying, “But if things don’t operate correctly, the social details will be fowled up too.”  When the T depends on the F for something, can there be misunderstandings?  You bet!  So having an understanding of how your team members function is very helpful to achieving the most successful event.  Use each one’s strengths for the benefit of all. This will be an insightful moment of “aha joy.”

SJ “AHA” PLANNING

Get four SJs together, each of a different type, and factor all the differences in.  The goal of the group is to plan an event that will be enjoyed by all 4.  What do you have?  A situation that requires understanding each other and how to accommodate the differences of each.

The first requirement for success in this situation is understanding.  And it is true of every group or organization, but on an even larger scale because organizations are made up of all the variations of each of the four temperaments -- 16 types.

If you have a family of four, you potentially have all four temperaments represented.  At any rate, it is highly unlikely that all four are identical temperaments.  So when you are planning for your family, who do you leave out or forget to accommodate.  You don’t want to leave anyone out, but if you do not understand each other, someone is most probably going to get hurt and “feel” left out whether it was intended or not.  For some temperaments this can do serious damage to the individual and to the relationships.

If you lead a group or an organization, you will lead best when you understand those you lead and when you provide for the differences: communicating with and treating people according to how they are made.  When you do understand, those you lead will know it and recognize you as a respected leader.

For you, the understanding will provide the “aha moments” of insight that bring you confidence as a parent or leader of a group.  Those moments will provide you with joy for your "Joybox"! 

The Joy of Liking Who I AM

Have you had this experience?  When I was younger I did not like “who” I was.  I was “different” — at least I felt that way.  And to a certain extent it was true.  

First, I’m an introvert — someone who recharges quietly with no one around or with only a few who are close friends or family.  Only about twenty-five percent of the population are introverts.  I definitely like my opportunities for solitude.  Therefore, I did not have a lot of “girlfriends” like the girls who were extroverts.  That made me feel like an “outsider.”  I had just a very few close friends.  Furthermore, I did not seek out the parties, but I was happy when I was included in the invitations.  After all, SJs are a social temperament.

Second, I am a female "T" (thinker, rather than an "F" -- feeler).  Since two-thirds of females are Fs, that meant I was paddling upstream, against the current of expectations.  I never swooned over Evis or the Beatles, etc., (this reference dates me) although I was responsive “inside myself” to the music.  As a teenager, it was difficult for me to understand what all the excitement was about.  It didn’t make sense.  (I can hear you laughing.)

Feeling different resulted in my rejecting who I really was and attempting to become like the mainstream of society — the extroverts and the female Fs.  That really felt weird!  What’s more, it resulted in my being irritable because it was like wearing clothes that didn’t fit.  Can you identify?

It took many years and finding a wonderful life consultant (I just happen to have the good fortune to be married to the best) to discover who I was designed to be.  Now that I better understand who I am, I can be more tolerant of others.  I can detect the differences now and it makes me much more appreciative of their struggles and my own.  I understand why those who are of a different type

(the Fs) don’t feel  the same way about things as I do or don’t think the same way about something like those of my type (the Ts).  Becoming more emotionally intelligent is creating a new world in relating to others.

Each temperament has its own struggles with their emotions.  It is our emotions that fuel our strengths and drive us to accomplish what we are designed to achieve. I’ve learned that my emotions are perfectly crafted to help me be what I was designed to be.  If I had the emotions of an E or an F, I would not be able to function well in my strengths.  When I am engaged in tasks and activities and when I am performing a roll for which I was designed, it feels good.  I feel “at home” — even when facing a challenge.  That’s being “intelligently emotional” to a small degree.  Joy is a great fuel!   And I have joy when I am living in my strengths.  It keeps me fueled and “ready for bear!” 

Are you fully aware of your innerkinetics?  Are you living in your strengths, or are you trying to wear “someone else’s clothes?”

They Joy of Controlling!

If you are being controlled, you probably did a double-take at the title here.  I don’t blame you.  You would expect that from an SJ.  We are known for controlling others in a bad way.  When we do this, we are living in our weaknesses.  However, we can also be counted upon to keep the ship steady, create order, and manage the logistics to accomplish goals.  When we use our drive in that way, we are living in our strengths and people are thankful to have us around.

However, it’s control in a different area that I had in mind in the title.  When we’ve been dealt a bad hand in life — birth defects, broken family, alcoholic parents, debilitating disease, unfairly dismissed from work or whatever the bad circumstances in which  we find ourselves — we are still in control! Yes!  We have a choice about how we will respond to our circumstances.  By making that choice, we control the effect our circumstances have on our lives moving forward.

We can choose to blame the circumstances (or whoever caused the circumstances) for our failures and unhappiness, or we can take control of the outcome by simply determining that we will find a way to benefit and overcome.  If we choose to blame the circumstances or the one who caused it, we give control to them and we remain victims, forever subject to those people or circumstances.  We become embittered with negative attitudes toward others and pessimistic about every opportunity that comes our way.  The circumstances or perpetrators are then in control, and we are weak and suffering by our own mistake to allow them that control.

However, when our choice is to leave the bad experience in the past and move forward to new opportunities — new job, further training, new location, adjusted goals to accommodate and make use of our current positioning — we take the reins back into our hands and control what our future will become rather than allowing others to determine it.  We can focus on what we have and what we can obtain through effort, and we will become better and stronger.

The same is true with our weaknesses.  It is not necessary for me to continue in a weakness (like controlling others) just because the drive to control is hardwired in me from birth.  That urge or drive is a positive, good strength when used correctly.  When I concentrate on developing that strength in its positive, productive form, the weakness of overusing it to control others disappears.  I am in control and the drive appears as a strength when I use it for the good and to benefit others.

What is your choice?   I hope you choose to take control!