Motherhood and Grandmother-hood -- Both Joyful Experiences

As a child and teen I envisioned my future as a wife and mother.  Never was there any other career or occupation in my imagination.  That’s pretty typical for SJs.  We are all about family, hearth, and home.  However, I never got beyond the vision of wife and mom to grandparent.  My mind could not imagine that far.  Such a pity!  It limited the joy I was able to experience in my imagination then.  (Teens don’t usually look forward to being that “old,” do they?)  

Ray says he enjoys every experience he plans three times: first, when he imagines and plans the event; again when he experiences it and, finally, in his memory.  

Imagination can bring great joy!  Once I became the mother of adult children, though, my imagination began again and I began to enjoy imagining the times and experiences that I would share with my children as they became parents and with my grandchildren when they arrived.  There is a saying that “grandchildren are your reward for being parents” or something like that.  It’s true!

Now that I have 4 beautiful granddaughters, I get to experience that great honor of being a grandmother.  The joy is multiplied by knowing that these little ones will be loved so deeply for the rest of their lives.

I’ll make the best of this experience as I practice Ray’s routine:  enjoying as I plan my visits with them, living the visits, and remembering them!

Joy is always greater when shared.  Thanks for allowing me to share mine with you!

Rules and Non-Rules — SJs Are the Rule Keepers!

If there is a rule, SJs “usually” follow that rule — even to the extent of following a lot of “non-rules.”  You are probably very familiar with a lot of these non-rules and possibly follow them yourself without even thinking about them.

What non-rules could those be?  There’s a cute new book that was just released called penquins can’t fly + 39 other rules that don’t exist.  (Did you notice there are no capitals in the title?)  In this provocative little book, jason kopecki (he doesn’t even use initial caps for his name on the front) urges us to overcome these “non-rules,” reminding us that “following the rules is an excellent way to fit in and avoid being questioned, laughed at or scorned.  But it’s not a particularly effective way of living an amazing story.”

As an SJ, my urges are to follow rules, to fit in, to “lead by example” as a conformer to the “rules.”  Without doubt, there are rules that are made for good reason and should be adhered to.

Adherence to rules and maintenance of order in society are SJ strengths.  However, we tend to burden ourselves (and others) unnecessarily with rules that are really not rules at all but simply tendencies to “over conform” and impose “non-rules” on others.  This is an overuse of our strengths, thus creating a weakness.

I love the sign (which you have probably seen many times) that I first saw in Jackson, Wyoming many years ago in a fudge shop:  “Eat dessert first!  Life is so uncertain.”

This is an example of breaking a “non-rule.”  How many times have you been told you MUST eat dessert last!  The reason: if you eat it first you won’t eat the food that will best nourish your body.  That is a good reason for this “non-rule,” but sometimes it would be best to break that rule.  Example: You are dining out and everything is so very good (and probably full of fat and calories)?  Would that be a good time to break the rule?  Consider: Is it better to 1) enjoy the meal and then add on that wonderful dessert; 2) try to guess your satiety point and stop there to add dessert, possibly departing the restaurant feeling a bit over full and having receive less enjoyment out of the wonderful dessert you had so looked forward to; or 3) eat dessert first and fully enjoy it, then eat what you feel like of the main meal and get a “to-go box” for what remains.  You depart feeling very happily satisfied and comfortable, having totally enjoyed all of the meal you wanted and with “special food” ready to warm for a quick meal at another time.  Hey! I like the last one, even if I am an SJ!

So, is it really necessary for your socks to match? Must we always “act our age?” (Jason Kotecki has labeled this “adultitis.”  Clever!)  He poses the question: How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  What age would you choose?

Here are a few of the “non-rules” he addresses in his book that I intend to try to “opt out” of:

• Thou shalt let others define thy success.
• Thou shalt clean thy plate.
• Thou shalt be realistic.
• Thou shalt hide thy weirdness.
• Thou shalt not be ridiculous.
• Thou shalt care what other people think.
• Thou shalt wait for permission.
• Thou shalt go it alone.
• Thou shalt always be careful.
• etc. #notarule

Thomas Edison’s genius came from breaking some non-rules.  Where would we be without the man who said, “H_ _ _, there are no rules here. We’re trying to accomplish something.”

Best of all, I like Mark Twain’s instruction: “Life is short. Break the rules. And never regret anything that makes you smile.”

Have a joyful July and eliminate some “non-rules” from your agenda!

If you are viewing this blog, you have been one of those who have become the "wind beneath our wings" to lift us from a trough of despair.  Thanks for your letter in support of Ray to stop the deportation proceedings.

We are overwhelmed at the outpouring of support that has come.  We did not send word to "everyone" on our list of contacts because we did not want to be presumptuous.  Many of you have passed the information on to people you knew would want to help and many have responded.  Each of the letters we have received has been an encouragement beyond description.  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

We'll attempt to keep you informed by posting here as significant things happen in the process, and we are hoping that there will be few posts over a short period of time.  If the evidence we have sent and your wonderful letters persuade the prosecutor to terminate the proceedings, that is the best we can hope for and we will be sending good news -- hopefully soon.  That is the reason for the haste in getting your affidavits:  to dissuade the prosecutor from proceeding and to end this quickly.  Had we waited and allowed it got into the system due to our delay, the chances of our prevailing also would be reduced because of the way the law is written.

However, if he maintains that he will keep the case open and proceed to hearing, this may take months or even years to come to closure.  We appreciate your prayers during this most stressful time.

We are forwarding you letters as we receive them, but we do not know where the prosecutor stands as we are writing this.  We'll try to update this blog weekly or more often if significant events occur.  Check back any time you want information.  The latest will be posted here.

Ah! The Joy In Christmas Traditions!

It’s an SJ thing for sure, but NFs often enjoy traditions too. For the SPs and NTs, it may be a mixed bag, depending on their upbringing and experiences. Since both SPs and NTs like to “do things their way” or “do things differently,” it may mean that their “tradition” is to “do Christmas” differently or in a different place each year. Still, that is a tradition even if it is done in the SP or NT fashion.

Back to the SJ-NF way of celebrating for a moment though. At our house, we began when the children were very small to collect an ornament for each of us each Christmas. When the children became adults and had their own homes, they received all their collection to begin their own Christmas tree. We continued the tradition of collecting ornaments and we can truly say that our Christmas tree is “our lives on a tree.” Each ornament has a special significance:READ MORE

Relationship Garden

The joys of yard gardening are much missed now that I am limited to pots on my patio, but the body aches and pains are not. To smell the earth and flowers as I move among the trees, shrubs and plants of all kinds brings me much joy. I visit my plant friends every chance I get. They never cease to reward me with their individual gifts of fragrance, color, texture, and (for some) even their sound.

Life's relationships, it seems, are similar to a garden. When we approach people with the appreciation we approach our "garden friends," their response is a reward of mutual appreciation.

However, sometimes we misstep in a garden (or a relationship), unintentionally trampling a tender being and preventing that one from producing to their full potential. It seems to me it is always the most fragile, most exotic, and most favorite that I have damaged in my wayward act.

Sometimes the damage is done when we are ridding our "gardens" of debris and weeds that we feel would hinder their growth or detract from the garden's beauty. We unintentionally destroy some of the good along with the bad.

Gardens are sometimes forgiving. I recall once receiving a five-gallon bucket half filled with iris corms that needed to be planted - a gift when I arrived in a new home from a new neighbor who had thinned her irises and was eager to help me get my landscaping underway.  Busyness and distractions took over, however, and I let the corms sit for many long months without attention (much like we sometimes do to our friends) until, finally, almost a year had passed when I re-discovered the neglected treasures.  I raced to plant every one and then anxiously waited for the following spring to learn whether any had survived.

When we realize we've neglected our relationships and then try to re-establish them with a call, a card, or a long overdue knock on the door, the wait for a reply seems an eternity. We long to see the the face of the one we have neglected just as I longed to see the green shoots of the iris blades emerge through the hard clay soil in which I planted them with such regret over my delay.

Spring did arrive, of course, and I began to inspect the ground like we would watch the mailbox, wait for a return phone call, or await the sound of footsteps to the door.  One, then three, then five more, and on it went until I lost count at over 100 irises emerged that year! They forgave my neglect! I had attended to their needs before it was too late.

The trampled "friends" in my garden have not been so forgiving. After all, even though it was unintentional, the damage was far greater.  However,  with my irises, there were some that emerged the following spring after a time of rest - blanketed by the soil, warmed by the sun, and fed by the rain.  They emerged to say, "I really do want to be.  I really do want to share a life with you.  I forgive you, but I'll need your care and protection from your carelessness in order to become strong again." These were usually those fragile, exotic and most cherished of the friends - the ones that had given me the most pleasure and who I mourned the most.

I was thankful for them all the more when I recalled the ones that did not return. For them I mourned as well, but I have had to learn to live beyond the grief.  For them I am thankful, for in their loss, I have become more forgiving of others.

THE JOY OF THE “AHA” MOMENTS

Don’t you just love the “aha moments:” when the lights come on and things suddenly all make sense or you finally “get it!”  Sometimes they are hard to come by -- for me, anyway.  When I am deeply troubled about some issue, it’s as though I’m surrounded by walls that are keeping the light out no matter how hard I search for a window or exit.  Then I suddenly find a crack that is letting the light in and I “thrust my mental fist” through to see the answer.  Whew!  What a joy!

That’s the experience that comes when we suddenly understand someone who may be of the same temperament that we are, but may be a different type.  They are the “same,” but “different.”  Or it may be when we understand someone of a totally different temperament.

SJs find common ground in seeking security and stable footing.  All are very conscious of society and seeing to it that it functions well for all.  You know what I mean: obey the rules, respect lessons of the past, plan for contingencies, etc.  

But two SJs will differ when one’s type is influenced by an E (extrovert) and the other by an I (introvert).  The ESJ will be very focused on seeking increased contact with other people, while the ISJ, while being concerned for others and sociable, will quickly tire in social settings.

And what happens when the difference is between the T and the F?  Again, same temperament (SJ), but one is a STJ and the other is an SFJ.  SJs are all about details. The STJ will handle the operational details well, but will appear much “harder” and “cooler” in their demeanor and may be more concerned about “things” running smoothly.  On the other hand, the SFJ will be concerned with details, but will focus on the social details more than the operational ones.  

Now, if you are an F of any temperament, you will be saying to yourself, “The SFJ has it right.”  However, if you are a T of any temperament, you may be saying, “But if things don’t operate correctly, the social details will be fowled up too.”  When the T depends on the F for something, can there be misunderstandings?  You bet!  So having an understanding of how your team members function is very helpful to achieving the most successful event.  Use each one’s strengths for the benefit of all. This will be an insightful moment of “aha joy.”

SJ “AHA” PLANNING

Get four SJs together, each of a different type, and factor all the differences in.  The goal of the group is to plan an event that will be enjoyed by all 4.  What do you have?  A situation that requires understanding each other and how to accommodate the differences of each.

The first requirement for success in this situation is understanding.  And it is true of every group or organization, but on an even larger scale because organizations are made up of all the variations of each of the four temperaments -- 16 types.

If you have a family of four, you potentially have all four temperaments represented.  At any rate, it is highly unlikely that all four are identical temperaments.  So when you are planning for your family, who do you leave out or forget to accommodate.  You don’t want to leave anyone out, but if you do not understand each other, someone is most probably going to get hurt and “feel” left out whether it was intended or not.  For some temperaments this can do serious damage to the individual and to the relationships.

If you lead a group or an organization, you will lead best when you understand those you lead and when you provide for the differences: communicating with and treating people according to how they are made.  When you do understand, those you lead will know it and recognize you as a respected leader.

For you, the understanding will provide the “aha moments” of insight that bring you confidence as a parent or leader of a group.  Those moments will provide you with joy for your "Joybox"!