Sometimes "Easy" Just Requires Motivation

Easy!  When what I must do is “easy,” life seems easy.  However, some things are hard to do and, also, necessary.  It is often hard (especially for SJs) to learn new ways, new methods, new concepts, new skills.  We tend to retreat from “change” of just about any sort, but I have learned that it brings joy to progress from the “new” stage to the “easy” stage.  Have you ever noticed that everything is easy — when you know how?

Being a senior citizen in this age of high tech is daunting.  Even preschoolers can do things on a computer that I can’t seem to do, but “it’s easy when you know how.”  I must remember that.  Everyone has to begin somewhere, and beginning is the hard part.  You must begin so that you can progress to easy.

What have you wanted to do that you have never done because it was hard?  Did you want to learn to play a musical instrument?  What about develop your creativity through graphic arts of some sort -  oil painting, watercolor, etc?  Have you wanted to learn how to ride a horse?  Garden? Use a bow and arrows?  Do ceramics? Learn another language?

How much joy would it give you to find that what you have longed to do is “easy”?  

One Christmas past, at the request of my daughter, I created Christmas stockings for two little girls who she hoped to adopt as her own.  Nothing would have pleased me more than to fulfill that request for my own daughter.  

I know how to sew, but I had no pattern, no instructions, and wanted to created something unique for these very special little ones whose lives got off to a rough start.  I’m no artist, but I began.  I was pleased with the outcome.  However, had I not begun, there would have been no pleasure, no joy of accomplishment.  Because I tried and persevered through the task — planning the design, selecting the materials, figuring out each step as needed — I experienced the joy of granting my daughter’s request and the joy of giving to these precious children.  When the job was done, I found that it had, after all, been “easy.”  

Sometimes “easy” just requires the motivation to follow through.  The result is joy!

The Diamonds Outside My Window

A smile spreads across my face as I look outside my window.  The ground is covered in "diamond dust." Well, it might as well be real diamonds for the wealth I experience when I see it.  I've always enjoyed the clear skies after a fresh snowfall because of the glistening lights reflecting from the snowflakes that blanket the ground.  And then I recall...

A few years ago, Ray and I celebrated our birthdays (which are four days apart) in Leadville, Colorado at a restaurant that is in a yurt.  The experience required snowshoeing or cross country skiing to the yurt and out again.   Okay, so some of you don't find that idea appealing. But IT WAS FANTASTIC!

We went in during the daylight.  It was early in the snow season so we were fortunate to be the only diners that night.  We had the place to ourselves and our own private chef.  The food was great!

The most wonderful adventure was the trip out after dinner.  By that time, darkness had fallen, but the skies were clear and the moon was full.  If you've ever experienced a ski trail on a snowy, moonlit night, high in the Rocky Mountains, you have some idea what kind of magic we enjoyed!  The "diamonds" were glistening everywhere.  The ground, of course, held a thick blanket of snowy diamonds.  The fir and spruce trees were also laden with snow and their branches glistened as well.  It was wonderfully quiet as we shushed our way along the trail, enjoying the evening to its fullest extent, traveling through a wonderland of lights from moon, millions of stars, and the "diamonds" that adorned every surface.

It's fun to remember that experience.  It set me to thinking.  As an SJ, I thrilled to the experience from all the senses and experienced a feeling of luxury and wealth.

What would someone of the SP temperament enjoy from the experience?  Perhaps it would be an invitation to play and perhaps to race a partner to the destinations at each end of the trail.

What of an NT?  Would they relish the thoughts that they had as they considered how all this came to be and the scientific facts that produced such a display?

And then there's the NF experience.  I can see through the NF's eyes the beckoning of the lights to experience the romance, to wonder at what it must have been like for the early pioneers when this was a wilderness, and perhaps to ponder what would have been his or her own feelings as a pioneer in that day.  The NF would search for how those thoughts might give meaning to his or her life today.

Each temperament would find joy in the same experience, although each would enjoy it differently. The experience would produce emotions in each — different, but wonderful emotions!

What thoughts might you have and what emotions would the experience produce for you?

The Golden Rule Revisited

Any discussion of relationships, understanding, and emotional intelligence usually touches on the Golden Rule at some point.  Typically it is restated as “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  So what does that mean?

If I am an individual who loves to have people around me, go to parties and events where there are crowds of people and interact with perfect strangers readily, then I should treat others in a friendly, gregarious manner and as though they enjoy that too, right?  That’s the way I like to be treated!  

Well, if I do that, you know as well as I do that I’m apt to be avoided by some people and thought to be an “in your face” type of person.  So, how do I correctly interpret the Golden Rule?

Making an effort to think of the wishes of the other person is the first step.  But we really need to understand the other person to know how to treat them by this rule.

What I really want is for others to treat me “like I want to be treated.”  So, I need to treat others “like THEY want to be treated.”  Isn’t that a more accurate interpretation of the words?  I think that is what the Golden Rule really meant.  

This is where real emotional intelligence comes into play.  We need self-understanding as well as an understanding of others.  To honor our InnerKinetics (our core drives and urges that make us who we are) and their InnerKinetics is the essence of carrying out this rule.  We are all created wonderfully, but differently.  

So what’s this got to do with JOY?  Have you thought of what a joyful world this would be if everyone honored each other in this way?  I know this is idealistic, but so is world peace.  We all want world peace!  What better way to start than to honor every human being as a wonderful creation and treat them as they would want to be treated.  When others treat you like you want to be treated, does it not bring you joy?

How about setting a goal for each day to make an effort to understand one person of your choice to the extent that you can treat them with regard to one thing in the way they want to be treated.  One day, one person, one thing about them — understand and treat them according to how they want to be treated in regard to that one thing.   Treat them that way and share the results.

Go on now.  Go out and create joy!  For both of you!  I’d be willing to bet that it will give you joy to accomplish this, even if only for one day and one person.  And if you succeed, I KNOW it will bring that person joy.

At the Beginning and at the End of Each Day

Hanging on the wall in my husband's office is this small tile:

[In case it is difficult for your to read, it says:

Good Morning!

This is God. I will be handling all your problems today.  I will not need your help.  So, relax and have a good day.  - San Xavier - Tucson, Arizona]

It's a good reminder, particularly for those of us who are of the SJ temperament. We tend to worry — a lot.  It's good to have a reminder like this around — for ME!  I must remind myself often not to worry.

Jesus taught:
"... do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

And how much pleasure in life do we lose when we are worrying about things that never happen or things we cannot control?

If I work like it all depends on me and trust as though it all depends on God, everything turns out well.  It's true!  It's the trusting part that is the clincher, so listen up.

Here's Ray's followup to the inscription on that tile:

"Good Evening!
This is God.  Many of your problems did not turn out the way you wanted them to.  Search for the meaning and purpose in the way they did turn out.  
Good Night."
- Ray Lincoln -
Littleton, Colorado


So here's the trusting part.  When things don't work out as "I" had planned, I try to remember to look for the miracle.  Miracles are only identified in hindsight.  So if I am trusting the One to cares the most for my welfare, there WILL be a better outcome than the one I had in mind.  The outcome may even be miraculous!

Choosing a Mate Requires Understanding

A couple of signs hang in our home.  They read:

A happy home is where both mates feel they got better than they deserved.

Happiness is being married to your best friend.

Both of us feel that way.  Our relationship began as a friendship and has continued that way.  Both of us feel very fortunate to have each other.  We admire the qualities in each other that we lack in ourselves.

How did you go about making your selection of your mate?  Did you seek advice from parents, magazines, websites, movies, friends?

There is an abundance of questionable advice on “how to attract a mate” these days.  Unfortunately, people are taking the advice, which is often questionable, and the result is failed marriages.  The divorce rate is astounding in our country today.

My advice regarding just one aspect of a relationship: 

♥ Joy comes from being your best self, the wonderful person that you are created to be, and everyone is created wonderfully.  Be your true self!

♥ When you are not happy with yourself, you are seldom happy with others. Successful guidance and advice comes from encouraging a person to develop the strengths and person they have been designed to be. 

♥ When advice that does not take this into consideration is followed (even when the  process achieves the immediately sought result), the end result is unhappiness and disatisfaction.    We should not become someone we are not in order to win the attention of a targeted mate.  We cannot continue the masquerade consistently and remain happy.   

♥ We are the best mate when we are truly the person we were created to be. The best mate for each of us is the mate who appreciates us for who we really are.  

♥ Society has so glorified “coupling” that the reason for it has been lost.  The two are to become one.  Each is not to lose his or her own identity.  But the two temperaments should be so complementary of each other and appreciative of each other’s strengths that they balance each other, thereby creating a completed individual.  Their strengths fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzel.  Perhaps that is why we see so many SJ-NF unions in society.  These two temperaments balance (complement) each other very well. 

♥ The only way to accomplish such a successful mating is for each partner to be truly who each is and to encourage each other in that endeavor.  Be your true self!

♥ It all boils down to one ingredient.  The ingredient that is missing in successful relationships, then, is understanding — of the other person and of ourselves.  With understanding, our goals will be right and our relationships will be right.  There is real joy in understanding.

♥♥♥  Therefore, get understanding.  ♥♥♥ 

The Joys of Living In Your Own Strengths

Have you ever watched children as they mimic their friends in an effort to be like someone else? Often, the result is not pretty.  They become irritable and often get into battles with the sibling or the peer they are trying to emulate.  Even when they do succeed in such an impersonation, they do so only to their great disappointment.  Why?

The answer lies in the truth of temperament. We cannot change who we really are.  We can "try on" another's personality, but it will not "fit" — like clothes that are too tight, shoes that are too short, a hat that is too big. The personality does not feel good or look good, and the result is a feeling of discomfort and feeling conspicuously different.

  

Recently I observed a little girl (an ISFJ) whose older sister is an ISFP.  The temperaments are strikingly in opposition to each other although three of the letters of their type are identical.  The J and the P create a stark contrast.

The ISFP, who is older in this case, is what her temperament strengths display as joyful, exciting, bold, daring, a risk taker, one who wants freedom and constant new experiences, and wants to make an impact on observers with her antics and appearance.

The younger ISFJ has strengths of responsibility (which opposes risk), a guardian of the rules of society and tradition, an organizer who likes a routine that means today is much like yesterday.

As is often the case, the younger child tries to copy what the older sibling does, so this little ISFJ tried her hand at attracting attention by following her sister into a risky maneuver.  Less agile than her sister, she was unsuccessful in her risky move, sustained an injury and embarrassed herself in front of those she was attempting to "impress."  The result was not only pain from an injury, but the pain of feeling a failure.  She did not feel any thrill from the risky move and no fulfillment from experiencing the joy of just daring to do it.  Her little heart was hurt, and she became irritable and upset.  Her need, at that moment, was to be assured that she was wonderful for who she really is, and that she need not try to be like her sister.    

Although her ISFP sister was also unsuccessful in her attempt at the maneuver, she was laughing and joyous just for having made the attempt, and she was quickly off to her next bold move, feeling that she had made an impact on the observers because she was rewarded by the shock and surprise on their faces at what she had attempted to do. 

To feel the fulfillment of our strengths, we must live within them and develop them, rather than try to climb into the role of someone else's strengths.  Our joy comes from appreciating who we are and being the best of who we are.

For my own experience, it has been a release to find that I am not as odd as I have always felt.  I am an ISTJ. (I know.  "That explains a lot!" you may think, facetiously, to your self. )  That "I" represents only 25 percent of the population, so we (the “Is”) are in the minority.  Society is made for the "Es" (the extroverts), so introverts feel out of place.  I never felt comfortable in a role that put me in the midst of strangers for long periods or required that I be in crowds.  Nor was I comfortable in the "limelight," so when I put myself in such a setting (particularly as an awkward teen), I was very uncomfortable and often irritable.  

It is not that introverts don't like to be around people.  SJs are a very social temperament. It is just that when our batteries are drained (and that happens relatively fast for introverts when they must interact with strangers or groups of people for too long -- and too long is relative), we seek solitude, or the companionship of only those with whom we are close, to recharge.  It was a joy to finally understand myself and relax in who I am. Whether others understand or not is then less intimidating and hurtful, because I understand why they may think I'm different. However, it's okay to be an introvert.  Introverts have some very admirable qualities.  Those who do not understand have yet to appreciate who they are themselves.

If you have not come to understand your own temperament, my hope for you this year is that you will.  Your joy will increase when you feel comfortable and fulfilled in "your own skin," when you know the "direction your life is intended to go."

Here's a tip:  Get the book, INNERKINETICS - Your Blueprint to Happiness and Success, by Ray W. Lincoln.  It will be a great tool to help you understand others and yourself. (Use the coupon code IKKey for a discount).

The Joy of Watching Children Grow!

Some little girls (my granddaughters) gave me great delight recently.  I love being a grandmother. Nothing brings more joy than the excited greeting from them as they scream "Mema" and come running to greet me upon my arrival.  Is there a grandmother anywhere who does not love that?  I doubt it.

Two of my four granddaughters are SJs:  one is an ISTJ (same as me) and the other an ISFJ.  I observed some very SJ-like expressions of temperament in one of the SJs recently.

The ISFJ currently shares a room with her ISFP sister.  The SP  is all about what she is doing "in the moment" (typical of SPs) and when she is looking for something that she wants to play with or a costume she wants to wear, toys and things fly every which way as she goes in search of the sought-after item.  Once it is secured and while she is still "in the moment," she enters her world of play and continues until the next stimulation prompts the next search.  The SJ (13 months the SP's junior) entered their room after just such quest and, looking around, remarked, "This room is a wreck!"  She is very careful with her toys and treasures (also typical of SJs), so she was disturbed.

On another occasion, the SJ observed something her SP sister was doing — something she knew would not please their mom — and remarked, "Not a good decision."   I chuckle every time I remember the scene and hear those words in my memory as she expressed them.  Even at this young age, the drives of their temperaments are already finding very strong expression.

We must appreciate both the SJ and the SP for who they are.  Each has wonderful qualities that their InnerKinetics have provided.  The challenge for us is to help the SP express courage, for instance, as opposed to just "daring" (the difference being the wisdom and determination to do the right thing even when others are "daring" her to do the opposite when no one else is looking).  We must help the SJ to increase faith, avoid worry, and to remember to play and experience joy as well as be responsible.  The two temperaments can help each other as long as they appreciate each other's opposite strengths.

I love my little granddaughters and am joyfully watching them grow and develop into the wonderful, but very different persons that their Creator designed them to be.

Have you observed such temperament-specific strength displays in your children or grandchildren? Share them with us on I'M A KEEPER's FaceBook page.

The Joy of "Being Me!"

I’m not sure who was the first to sing this (Sammy Davis Jr., I think, although Frank Sinatra used it a

great deal).  No matter!  It’s the words that have been ringing in my head lately.  I find one flaw with the lyrics.   

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong,
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong,
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am.

I want to live, not merely survive,
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive.
I gotta be me, I gotta be me.
The dream that I see makes me what I am.

That far-away prize, a world of success,
Is waiting for me if I heed the call.
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all.

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be.
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me.
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free,
Daring to try, to do it or die!
I've gotta be me.

It is VERY important to be yourself rather than a clone of someone else, and it's even more important to develop the blueprint inside of you than to “remodel” yourself to be what someone else thinks is what you should be or how you should think or act.  

It is this “blueprint” — your innerkineitcs — that make you who you are.  It gives you the vision to become the only person who can do what you were uniquely designed to do.  That vision inspires you and generates the energy required to achieve that dream.  Therefore, “[Don’t] settle down…  [Don’t] settle for less!”

Being yourself and developing that blueprint will give you the fulfillment that nothing else can.  (It makes you the person who your partner fell in love with (if you have that kind of relationship).  You really “cannot be right for someone else if your are not right for [yourself].”)

So what is the flaw I find in the lyrics?

The “flaw” is in the words “Whether I’m WRONG.”  When we live in our strengths, developing that blueprint as intended, and encouraging others to develop their unique blueprints, we are RIGHT!  

When one uses “being me” as an excuse to use his or her strengths to hurt others or himself, it is WRONG, and that person is not “developing the blueprint” within.  That person is instead living in a weakness and destroying his or her potential.  And, quite frankly, that person is doing no justice to being themselves.

It is important to appreciate who you are, how you are made, and what you are meant to be.  It is just as important to recognize and appreciate the uniqueness in others and find appropriate application of each individual’s strengths.

What are your thoughts when you hear the song?

Choices, Part 2

In his book Duty, Robert Gates tells about Lieutenant Jason “Jay” Redman, a Navy SEAL who was shot seven times and endured nearly two dozen surgeries. On the door to his room at Bethesda Naval Hospital, Jason posted a hand-written sign that read:

ATTENTION. To all who enter here. If you are coming into this room with sorrow or to feel sorry for my wounds, go elsewhere. The wounds I received I got in a job I love, doing it for people I love, supporting the freedom of a country I deeply love. I am incredibly tough and will make a full recovery. What is full? That is the absolute utmost physically my body has the ability to recover. Then I will push that about 20% further through sheer mental tenacity. This room you are about to enter is a room of fun, optimism, and intense rapid regrowth. If you are not prepared for that, go elsewhere. The Management.”

Jason made many choices in his young life.  There are 7 evidenced in his door sign:

• He chose how people were to react to his plight in his presence.
• He chose not to allow negative reactions to enter his presence.
• He chose a dangerous job.
• He chose to show his love for his job, people, and his country at great cost.
• He chose to overcome his injuries.
• He chose to what level he would overcome his injuries.
• He chose the atmosphere that would nurture his goals and forbid others to infect it with conditions that would inhibit his goals.

Jason did not choose to get shot seven times.  Nor did he focus on the people who shot him with blame.  He chose to focus on what would make a difference.  The choices he made determined what the outcome of his injuries and the subsequent surgeries would be.  He chose life and the quality of life that he would have.  His choice overcame the potential destruction and damage that could have been the result of his wounds.

Instead of blaming his injuries for making him a cripple, he chose to recover to 120% of what his body would physically allow.  And I have no doubt that his mental and emotional recovery was even more than 120% because of his choice.  

If we can look at our own misfortunes in such a way, we can overcome them too.  But overcoming requires that we choose to recover.  

Jason has my respect because he respected himself enough to choose boundaries and goals that fostered his development in the direction that would overcome, and he enforced them.  We must do the same in our circumstances.  When we do, we respect ourselves and we earn the respect of others.

Choices, Part 1

Benjamin Franklin did something quite remarkable early in his adult life that made him the great man that he was in history.  I read recently that Franklin noticed that he had difficulty getting along with people; he argued too much, and he had trouble making and keeping friends.  At age 20, keenly aware of what he believed were his own character defects that hindered him, he determined to do something about it. 

He made a choice: He chose to examine his own personality, list what he considered undesirable personality traits, and do something about them.  He then selected 13 virtues he wanted to enhance in his life that he believed would help him become a better person. The virtues he aspired to enhance were:

1. To be temperate, especially in the consumption of food and alcohol.

2. To practice silence and to speak only words that benefit others.

3. To live an orderly life.

4. To resolutely do what ought to be done.

5. To practice frugality.

6. To work diligently and manage time well.

7. To be sincere and honest.

8. To do what is right and just.

9. To be moderate in all things.

10. To practice cleanliness.

11. To remain tranquil and calm, particularly in situations that cannot be avoided.

12. To practice sexual constraint.

13. To learn humility by imitating the figures of Jesus and Socrates.

Though these sound very much like SJ strengths, other temperaments can certainly possess them too.  However, the SJ is often identified by such strengths.

It was not because Benjamin Franklin was an SJ that made him great though.  It was his choices that made him great!  He chose to develop the strengths that he was given at birth and to use them to become a better person and to help his country and his fellow man.

Suppose he had not made the choice to develop this list of strengths.  He would not have become the admired and respected diplomat that he became.  People would not have looked up to him or chosen him to represent them.  France would not have responded to him positively and probably would not have helped the young nation that was emerging.  What effect did his choice for his own life have on the history of America?

Your choices about your life may not affect the world to the extent that Franklin’s did (although they might), but they will certainly affect YOUR life.

Wishing won’t make it so, but your choice can.  How is your life going right now?  Is there anything that needs changing?  I know there are areas in my life that need work.  Recognizing our needs is the first step, just as it was for Ben Franklin.  The next step is the one that will make the difference.  One good decision could change everything. 

The choice is yours.

Discover your strengths.  A great aid to that discovery and to developing your strengths is INNERKINETICS — Your Blueprint to Excellence and Happiness.

Stubborn Determination: SJs

Biographies and autobiographies are very interesting to me.  It must be something about the reality of someone’s life — how they lived, what struggles they encountered, and how they made it through that appeals to my SJ way of relying on the past.  There is something very encouraging about hearing the difficulties, which are often greater than any I have faced, and celebrating a person’s survival.  Funny thing: the people who share the stories I have read never complained.  They always felt that they were better for having gone through their trials.

Louis Zamperini, the hero of Unbroken (movie and book), in his book Don’t Give Up, Don’t Given In, tells of how much he wanted to win a mile race.  He had watched the 1934 NCAA Track and Field national championships in Los Angeles when Glenn Cunningham raced against Bill Bonthron in the mile.  Cunningham had already run an indoor 4:08:04 mile and had an outdoor time of 4:09.8.  He was about 8 seconds behind Cunningham — a long distance in a mile race.  Cunningham was his hero because Louis had read the story of how Cunningham had been severely burned as a child in a fire that had killed his older brother.  He had lost a great deal of flesh and all the toes on his left foot.  He was burned on both legs and up to the middle of his back.  Doctors gave him little chance of walking again, let alone running.  

“Cunningham epitomized resilience and resolve,” wrote Zamperini and he described how Cunningham had massaged his legs to stimulate blood flow, endured physical therapy and willed himself to stand, then walk, and finally to run.  Cunningham’s efforts and sacrifices inspired Zamperini and says he knew of no story as compelling as Cunningham’s.

Cunningham lost that 1934 race to Bonthron and Louis Zamperini determined that someday he would get that record back for Cunningham.

Louis got his chance in 1938 when he raced for USC in the NCAA championships.  His coach told him the night before that the opposing team coaches were going to tell their milers to do “anything they can to knock [Louis] out of the race.”  The runners did as Louis’ coach had predicted: cursed Louis, ran their spikes through his little toe, gashed Louis’s right and left shins, elbowed him in the ribs - and cracked one when Louis tried to pass.  In the last 120 yards, the other runners loosened up because they thought their leader was far enough ahead. Louis took advantage, fighting through the pain, and turned it on to win the race and establish a new record of 4:08:03 that stood for 15 years!  What a finish!

Newspapers the next day showed in photos the extent of how he’d been beat up, but the real story was that, according to Louis, his “persistence, perseverance, and unwillingness to accept defeat when things looked all but hopeless were part of the very character traits [he] would need to make it through World War II alive.”  The rest is history.  His story is one of a real hero!

In Louis’s own words: “Of course, you don’t have to live through a war to have those qualities work for you every day.  Sometimes a day in the office or raising kids is just as challenging.”

His story inspires me!  Whatever you are going through today, just remember that what you need is to find the way to get through it.  Getting through it will be a WIN!  And the character you build in the process will be what you need to find the way to win the next battle you face!  Life is about building and building takes work in the form of persistence and perseverance — something a lot of people describe in us SJs as “stubborn determination.”  So be it!

Joy Defeats Fear!

Joy defeats fear!  Did you know that?  The two cannot co-exist, and joy is the trump card!  Think about it.  Have you ever felt fear when you were full of joy?  Joy is the overcomer.  The challenge is to find that joy.  How can we do it?

According to Maria von Trapp’s song in The Sound of Music, “…when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.”  She “sang” her list of favorite things:  

“...raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mitten, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs...”  

According to Maria, these were her favorite things and they brought her joy when things got tough.

What makes you smile?  What brings you joy?  Make a list!  It will do your “JoyBox” good!  Begin right now.  I’ll help you along by sharing some of mine.  Perhaps these will remind you of some you need to recall.

• A kiss from my husband
• The laughter of a baby
• The first flowers that open outside our door in the spring
• The smell of the lilac trees when in full bloom
• Hiking beside a stream in the mountains where I can hear the water flowing well
• Sunlight or moonlight sparkling on snow
• The first bluebirds that arrive in the spring
• The return of the song birds every spring and their sound throughout the summer
• Lambing season — nothing prettier than lambs in the green paddocks in the spring
• Baby ducklings and goslings as they swim or waddle behind their parents to explore their new world
• The sound of rain
• Talking to my granddaughters or watching them play
• The smell of ozone in the air after a thunderstorm
• Morning sun on frosted trees and shrubs
• Rainbows
• The sound of children at play
• Wind symphonies in the Ponderosa Pines
• Sunlight (or moonlight) dancing on a river
• Hummingbirds feeding from flowers or feeders or zipping by
• A full moon
• The smell of a damp forest

These are a few of my favorite things, and the “joy” of them all is that although not one costs a penny, they all bring me joy.  Thinking of them dispels my fears.

So what is on your list?

Motherhood and Grandmother-hood -- Both Joyful Experiences

As a child and teen I envisioned my future as a wife and mother.  Never was there any other career or occupation in my imagination.  That’s pretty typical for SJs.  We are all about family, hearth, and home.  However, I never got beyond the vision of wife and mom to grandparent.  My mind could not imagine that far.  Such a pity!  It limited the joy I was able to experience in my imagination then.  (Teens don’t usually look forward to being that “old,” do they?)  

Ray says he enjoys every experience he plans three times: first, when he imagines and plans the event; again when he experiences it and, finally, in his memory.  

Imagination can bring great joy!  Once I became the mother of adult children, though, my imagination began again and I began to enjoy imagining the times and experiences that I would share with my children as they became parents and with my grandchildren when they arrived.  There is a saying that “grandchildren are your reward for being parents” or something like that.  It’s true!

Now that I have 4 beautiful granddaughters, I get to experience that great honor of being a grandmother.  The joy is multiplied by knowing that these little ones will be loved so deeply for the rest of their lives.

I’ll make the best of this experience as I practice Ray’s routine:  enjoying as I plan my visits with them, living the visits, and remembering them!

Joy is always greater when shared.  Thanks for allowing me to share mine with you!

Rules and Non-Rules — SJs Are the Rule Keepers!

If there is a rule, SJs “usually” follow that rule — even to the extent of following a lot of “non-rules.”  You are probably very familiar with a lot of these non-rules and possibly follow them yourself without even thinking about them.

What non-rules could those be?  There’s a cute new book that was just released called penquins can’t fly + 39 other rules that don’t exist.  (Did you notice there are no capitals in the title?)  In this provocative little book, jason kopecki (he doesn’t even use initial caps for his name on the front) urges us to overcome these “non-rules,” reminding us that “following the rules is an excellent way to fit in and avoid being questioned, laughed at or scorned.  But it’s not a particularly effective way of living an amazing story.”

As an SJ, my urges are to follow rules, to fit in, to “lead by example” as a conformer to the “rules.”  Without doubt, there are rules that are made for good reason and should be adhered to.

Adherence to rules and maintenance of order in society are SJ strengths.  However, we tend to burden ourselves (and others) unnecessarily with rules that are really not rules at all but simply tendencies to “over conform” and impose “non-rules” on others.  This is an overuse of our strengths, thus creating a weakness.

I love the sign (which you have probably seen many times) that I first saw in Jackson, Wyoming many years ago in a fudge shop:  “Eat dessert first!  Life is so uncertain.”

This is an example of breaking a “non-rule.”  How many times have you been told you MUST eat dessert last!  The reason: if you eat it first you won’t eat the food that will best nourish your body.  That is a good reason for this “non-rule,” but sometimes it would be best to break that rule.  Example: You are dining out and everything is so very good (and probably full of fat and calories)?  Would that be a good time to break the rule?  Consider: Is it better to 1) enjoy the meal and then add on that wonderful dessert; 2) try to guess your satiety point and stop there to add dessert, possibly departing the restaurant feeling a bit over full and having receive less enjoyment out of the wonderful dessert you had so looked forward to; or 3) eat dessert first and fully enjoy it, then eat what you feel like of the main meal and get a “to-go box” for what remains.  You depart feeling very happily satisfied and comfortable, having totally enjoyed all of the meal you wanted and with “special food” ready to warm for a quick meal at another time.  Hey! I like the last one, even if I am an SJ!

So, is it really necessary for your socks to match? Must we always “act our age?” (Jason Kotecki has labeled this “adultitis.”  Clever!)  He poses the question: How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  What age would you choose?

Here are a few of the “non-rules” he addresses in his book that I intend to try to “opt out” of:

• Thou shalt let others define thy success.
• Thou shalt clean thy plate.
• Thou shalt be realistic.
• Thou shalt hide thy weirdness.
• Thou shalt not be ridiculous.
• Thou shalt care what other people think.
• Thou shalt wait for permission.
• Thou shalt go it alone.
• Thou shalt always be careful.
• etc. #notarule

Thomas Edison’s genius came from breaking some non-rules.  Where would we be without the man who said, “H_ _ _, there are no rules here. We’re trying to accomplish something.”

Best of all, I like Mark Twain’s instruction: “Life is short. Break the rules. And never regret anything that makes you smile.”

Have a joyful July and eliminate some “non-rules” from your agenda!

If you are viewing this blog, you have been one of those who have become the "wind beneath our wings" to lift us from a trough of despair.  Thanks for your letter in support of Ray to stop the deportation proceedings.

We are overwhelmed at the outpouring of support that has come.  We did not send word to "everyone" on our list of contacts because we did not want to be presumptuous.  Many of you have passed the information on to people you knew would want to help and many have responded.  Each of the letters we have received has been an encouragement beyond description.  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

We'll attempt to keep you informed by posting here as significant things happen in the process, and we are hoping that there will be few posts over a short period of time.  If the evidence we have sent and your wonderful letters persuade the prosecutor to terminate the proceedings, that is the best we can hope for and we will be sending good news -- hopefully soon.  That is the reason for the haste in getting your affidavits:  to dissuade the prosecutor from proceeding and to end this quickly.  Had we waited and allowed it got into the system due to our delay, the chances of our prevailing also would be reduced because of the way the law is written.

However, if he maintains that he will keep the case open and proceed to hearing, this may take months or even years to come to closure.  We appreciate your prayers during this most stressful time.

We are forwarding you letters as we receive them, but we do not know where the prosecutor stands as we are writing this.  We'll try to update this blog weekly or more often if significant events occur.  Check back any time you want information.  The latest will be posted here.

Ah! The Joy In Christmas Traditions!

It’s an SJ thing for sure, but NFs often enjoy traditions too. For the SPs and NTs, it may be a mixed bag, depending on their upbringing and experiences. Since both SPs and NTs like to “do things their way” or “do things differently,” it may mean that their “tradition” is to “do Christmas” differently or in a different place each year. Still, that is a tradition even if it is done in the SP or NT fashion.

Back to the SJ-NF way of celebrating for a moment though. At our house, we began when the children were very small to collect an ornament for each of us each Christmas. When the children became adults and had their own homes, they received all their collection to begin their own Christmas tree. We continued the tradition of collecting ornaments and we can truly say that our Christmas tree is “our lives on a tree.” Each ornament has a special significance:READ MORE

Relationship Garden

The joys of yard gardening are much missed now that I am limited to pots on my patio, but the body aches and pains are not. To smell the earth and flowers as I move among the trees, shrubs and plants of all kinds brings me much joy. I visit my plant friends every chance I get. They never cease to reward me with their individual gifts of fragrance, color, texture, and (for some) even their sound.

Life's relationships, it seems, are similar to a garden. When we approach people with the appreciation we approach our "garden friends," their response is a reward of mutual appreciation.

However, sometimes we misstep in a garden (or a relationship), unintentionally trampling a tender being and preventing that one from producing to their full potential. It seems to me it is always the most fragile, most exotic, and most favorite that I have damaged in my wayward act.

Sometimes the damage is done when we are ridding our "gardens" of debris and weeds that we feel would hinder their growth or detract from the garden's beauty. We unintentionally destroy some of the good along with the bad.

Gardens are sometimes forgiving. I recall once receiving a five-gallon bucket half filled with iris corms that needed to be planted - a gift when I arrived in a new home from a new neighbor who had thinned her irises and was eager to help me get my landscaping underway.  Busyness and distractions took over, however, and I let the corms sit for many long months without attention (much like we sometimes do to our friends) until, finally, almost a year had passed when I re-discovered the neglected treasures.  I raced to plant every one and then anxiously waited for the following spring to learn whether any had survived.

When we realize we've neglected our relationships and then try to re-establish them with a call, a card, or a long overdue knock on the door, the wait for a reply seems an eternity. We long to see the the face of the one we have neglected just as I longed to see the green shoots of the iris blades emerge through the hard clay soil in which I planted them with such regret over my delay.

Spring did arrive, of course, and I began to inspect the ground like we would watch the mailbox, wait for a return phone call, or await the sound of footsteps to the door.  One, then three, then five more, and on it went until I lost count at over 100 irises emerged that year! They forgave my neglect! I had attended to their needs before it was too late.

The trampled "friends" in my garden have not been so forgiving. After all, even though it was unintentional, the damage was far greater.  However,  with my irises, there were some that emerged the following spring after a time of rest - blanketed by the soil, warmed by the sun, and fed by the rain.  They emerged to say, "I really do want to be.  I really do want to share a life with you.  I forgive you, but I'll need your care and protection from your carelessness in order to become strong again." These were usually those fragile, exotic and most cherished of the friends - the ones that had given me the most pleasure and who I mourned the most.

I was thankful for them all the more when I recalled the ones that did not return. For them I mourned as well, but I have had to learn to live beyond the grief.  For them I am thankful, for in their loss, I have become more forgiving of others.

THE JOY OF THE “AHA” MOMENTS

Don’t you just love the “aha moments:” when the lights come on and things suddenly all make sense or you finally “get it!”  Sometimes they are hard to come by -- for me, anyway.  When I am deeply troubled about some issue, it’s as though I’m surrounded by walls that are keeping the light out no matter how hard I search for a window or exit.  Then I suddenly find a crack that is letting the light in and I “thrust my mental fist” through to see the answer.  Whew!  What a joy!

That’s the experience that comes when we suddenly understand someone who may be of the same temperament that we are, but may be a different type.  They are the “same,” but “different.”  Or it may be when we understand someone of a totally different temperament.

SJs find common ground in seeking security and stable footing.  All are very conscious of society and seeing to it that it functions well for all.  You know what I mean: obey the rules, respect lessons of the past, plan for contingencies, etc.  

But two SJs will differ when one’s type is influenced by an E (extrovert) and the other by an I (introvert).  The ESJ will be very focused on seeking increased contact with other people, while the ISJ, while being concerned for others and sociable, will quickly tire in social settings.

And what happens when the difference is between the T and the F?  Again, same temperament (SJ), but one is a STJ and the other is an SFJ.  SJs are all about details. The STJ will handle the operational details well, but will appear much “harder” and “cooler” in their demeanor and may be more concerned about “things” running smoothly.  On the other hand, the SFJ will be concerned with details, but will focus on the social details more than the operational ones.  

Now, if you are an F of any temperament, you will be saying to yourself, “The SFJ has it right.”  However, if you are a T of any temperament, you may be saying, “But if things don’t operate correctly, the social details will be fowled up too.”  When the T depends on the F for something, can there be misunderstandings?  You bet!  So having an understanding of how your team members function is very helpful to achieving the most successful event.  Use each one’s strengths for the benefit of all. This will be an insightful moment of “aha joy.”

SJ “AHA” PLANNING

Get four SJs together, each of a different type, and factor all the differences in.  The goal of the group is to plan an event that will be enjoyed by all 4.  What do you have?  A situation that requires understanding each other and how to accommodate the differences of each.

The first requirement for success in this situation is understanding.  And it is true of every group or organization, but on an even larger scale because organizations are made up of all the variations of each of the four temperaments -- 16 types.

If you have a family of four, you potentially have all four temperaments represented.  At any rate, it is highly unlikely that all four are identical temperaments.  So when you are planning for your family, who do you leave out or forget to accommodate.  You don’t want to leave anyone out, but if you do not understand each other, someone is most probably going to get hurt and “feel” left out whether it was intended or not.  For some temperaments this can do serious damage to the individual and to the relationships.

If you lead a group or an organization, you will lead best when you understand those you lead and when you provide for the differences: communicating with and treating people according to how they are made.  When you do understand, those you lead will know it and recognize you as a respected leader.

For you, the understanding will provide the “aha moments” of insight that bring you confidence as a parent or leader of a group.  Those moments will provide you with joy for your "Joybox"! 

The Joy of Liking Who I AM

Have you had this experience?  When I was younger I did not like “who” I was.  I was “different” — at least I felt that way.  And to a certain extent it was true.  

First, I’m an introvert — someone who recharges quietly with no one around or with only a few who are close friends or family.  Only about twenty-five percent of the population are introverts.  I definitely like my opportunities for solitude.  Therefore, I did not have a lot of “girlfriends” like the girls who were extroverts.  That made me feel like an “outsider.”  I had just a very few close friends.  Furthermore, I did not seek out the parties, but I was happy when I was included in the invitations.  After all, SJs are a social temperament.

Second, I am a female "T" (thinker, rather than an "F" -- feeler).  Since two-thirds of females are Fs, that meant I was paddling upstream, against the current of expectations.  I never swooned over Evis or the Beatles, etc., (this reference dates me) although I was responsive “inside myself” to the music.  As a teenager, it was difficult for me to understand what all the excitement was about.  It didn’t make sense.  (I can hear you laughing.)

Feeling different resulted in my rejecting who I really was and attempting to become like the mainstream of society — the extroverts and the female Fs.  That really felt weird!  What’s more, it resulted in my being irritable because it was like wearing clothes that didn’t fit.  Can you identify?

It took many years and finding a wonderful life consultant (I just happen to have the good fortune to be married to the best) to discover who I was designed to be.  Now that I better understand who I am, I can be more tolerant of others.  I can detect the differences now and it makes me much more appreciative of their struggles and my own.  I understand why those who are of a different type

(the Fs) don’t feel  the same way about things as I do or don’t think the same way about something like those of my type (the Ts).  Becoming more emotionally intelligent is creating a new world in relating to others.

Each temperament has its own struggles with their emotions.  It is our emotions that fuel our strengths and drive us to accomplish what we are designed to achieve. I’ve learned that my emotions are perfectly crafted to help me be what I was designed to be.  If I had the emotions of an E or an F, I would not be able to function well in my strengths.  When I am engaged in tasks and activities and when I am performing a roll for which I was designed, it feels good.  I feel “at home” — even when facing a challenge.  That’s being “intelligently emotional” to a small degree.  Joy is a great fuel!   And I have joy when I am living in my strengths.  It keeps me fueled and “ready for bear!” 

Are you fully aware of your innerkinetics?  Are you living in your strengths, or are you trying to wear “someone else’s clothes?”

They Joy of Controlling!

If you are being controlled, you probably did a double-take at the title here.  I don’t blame you.  You would expect that from an SJ.  We are known for controlling others in a bad way.  When we do this, we are living in our weaknesses.  However, we can also be counted upon to keep the ship steady, create order, and manage the logistics to accomplish goals.  When we use our drive in that way, we are living in our strengths and people are thankful to have us around.

However, it’s control in a different area that I had in mind in the title.  When we’ve been dealt a bad hand in life — birth defects, broken family, alcoholic parents, debilitating disease, unfairly dismissed from work or whatever the bad circumstances in which  we find ourselves — we are still in control! Yes!  We have a choice about how we will respond to our circumstances.  By making that choice, we control the effect our circumstances have on our lives moving forward.

We can choose to blame the circumstances (or whoever caused the circumstances) for our failures and unhappiness, or we can take control of the outcome by simply determining that we will find a way to benefit and overcome.  If we choose to blame the circumstances or the one who caused it, we give control to them and we remain victims, forever subject to those people or circumstances.  We become embittered with negative attitudes toward others and pessimistic about every opportunity that comes our way.  The circumstances or perpetrators are then in control, and we are weak and suffering by our own mistake to allow them that control.

However, when our choice is to leave the bad experience in the past and move forward to new opportunities — new job, further training, new location, adjusted goals to accommodate and make use of our current positioning — we take the reins back into our hands and control what our future will become rather than allowing others to determine it.  We can focus on what we have and what we can obtain through effort, and we will become better and stronger.

The same is true with our weaknesses.  It is not necessary for me to continue in a weakness (like controlling others) just because the drive to control is hardwired in me from birth.  That urge or drive is a positive, good strength when used correctly.  When I concentrate on developing that strength in its positive, productive form, the weakness of overusing it to control others disappears.  I am in control and the drive appears as a strength when I use it for the good and to benefit others.

What is your choice?   I hope you choose to take control!