SJs - The Most Frequent Victims of 'Adultitis'

Do you know the symptoms of ‘adultitis’?  Can you identify someone who suffers from it?  Are you a victim?

Steve Jobs, Apple co-founder, said he would look at himself in the mirror every day and ask himself one question:  “If this were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?”  He said that if he answered no to that question for too many days in a row, then it was time to make a change.

Jason Kotecki, founder of esdcapeadulthood.com, makes a living trying to cure ‘adultitus’.  He identifies the symptoms: dead inside; having a sadness produced by going a long time without doing the things that bring them joy.  Those who have it the worst have answered "no" to Steve Jobs’ question for too many days in a row.

Any temperament can suffer from adultitis (although it would probably be hard to find an SP so stricken), but SJs seem to be the most frequent victims.  It’s because we take life and our responsibilities so seriously.   

SJs feel we must complete our work before we can play, and more often than not that means we never get to play.

We tend to put our responsibilities and our care for others ahead of our own wellbeing.  I’m not saying that in a boasting manner, nor do I believe that it is necessarily admirable.  It’s one of the reasons that flight attendants admonish adult passengers to put their own oxygen masks on before trying to help their child or someone in their care who is traveling with them. An SJ, in particular, would tend to do the opposite. 

For the same reason, we need to recognize the symptoms and fight adultitis.  One of the chief nutrients everyone needs is joy.  What is one thing that the mere thought of doing makes you giddy with joy?  When was the last time you did that?

Adding joy to our daily diets as a daily regimen will not only cure adultitis, it will help to cure adultitis in our partners, friends, children, customers, clients and coworkers.  Would the world be a better place as a result?  Most assuredly!

Here’s your challenge for the next month:  Do one thing every day that brings you joy! 

And if you are an SJ, here’s a “double-dog-dare” challenge.  If you don’t know what kind of things are the best cures for adultitis, just think of something you’ve thought you’d like to do, but you feel ‘silly’ doing it.  You can bet it would be a sure cure. 

What Can YOU Do to Optimize Back-to-School?

You made it through the summer!  The kids are back in school!  You've survived and, perhaps, even had a roaringly memorable summer.  But now there are all of the school activities, homework and struggles of dealing with schedules, social issues, teachers who don't 'get' your child, and more.  What can you do to help your child make the most of his/her educational opportunities and enjoy his 'work?'  Here's a list of five things you can do to optimize school for your child.

1) Know Your Child's Best Learning Mode/Environment

We are not talking here about what senses they learn best by using (hearing, seeing, feeling). We are talking more about environment.  The more senses that are engaged, the more the child will learn. Typically, you will get instructions to make your child's home learning environment include a quiet setting (no music, TV or other distractions) with appropriate lighting, a comfortable desk and chair suited to the child's size and all of the tools (pens, pencils, rulers, etc) available for easy access as needed.  That is well and good for most children, but one temperament struggles in school because they just are not 'wired' for this type of environment.  They love movement.  They are active and at their best when they are using their motor skills.  They are also often recommended for testing for ADHD and ADD.  But these kids just have a different way of learning.  If you can challenge them by offers like an extra minute to shoot hoops for every point above 75 they get on their Algebra test or play catch with them while naming one of the 50 United States to earn another ball coming their way, they'll not only enjoy the homework, they'll make more effort and retain what they are learning better.  Knowing how your child functions best is a key factor in helping them achieve anything!

2)  Help Your Child by Helping His Teacher

We are not talking here about being a "room mother" or helping with school supplies and field day activities, although those will be appreciated.  What we are talking about is helping your child's teacher to understand your child.  Meeting with the teacher to share what you know about your child will help your teacher to help your child better.  The teacher has 20 or more new people to get to know each year.  They've spent years learning 'generalized' methods for teaching but, sadly, few of them understand temperament and know how to apply it in the classroom.  If you have a sensitive NF, for instance, and you know that just a gentle kind word and a soft touch will win your child's heart for that teacher, encouraging more effort by your child to please the teacher, wouldn't that be a favor to both your child and the teacher?  If you have an NT, for instance, who does not like emotional displays, to let the teacher know that would be a comfort to the teacher who may feel very uneasy around your child, and your child will respect the teacher and learn better from someone who "understands" his cool, calm and collected exterior.  The teacher's correct interaction with your child can make the difference between how your child views his teacher and how successful the teacher will be in gaining cooperation from the child.

3) Know Your Child's 'Battery' Level

Most of the population are extroverts and thrive on interaction with other people and things.  Their 'batteries' (understood as inner energy) are constantly recharged by people and things, so social aspects of school activities stimulate them.  If an extrovert's battery is low (often indicated by grumpiness or clamoring for your attention) due to having spent two hours alone in their room doing homework, a break to participate in a little physical activity or to interact socially with family or friends can recharge them for continued absorption of what they are trying to learn.  On the other hand, an introvert, whose battery is drained by interaction with people  and who has been in the presence of people all day and has had to interact with them can jump into the car to go home and respond with great annoyance and irritability when you ask, "How was your day?"  He's 'had it' with interacting with others and just wants some alone time.  Your understanding and willingness to allow him that time to recharge by daydreaming, listening to music for 30-45 minutes, or whatever he might like to do to build up his reserves after a day with much social interaction, can give that child just what he needs to then happily and eagerly dive into his homework assignments.  For some introverts, doing homework quietly and alone in their room is all they need to recharge.

4) Encourage Appropriate Levels of Extracurricular Activities

Extracurricular activities are good when participation allows for the needs of the individual child.  It's okay to say "No."  And it's okay to say "Yes."  It's okay to encourage activities and it's okay to discourage them.  The answer must not only be appropriate to the age of the child but also to the individual child who is to be involved.  What is right for one child is not right for another.  Socialization is important for all.  Motor skills are important to all.  There are many reasons for participation that are good.  But which activity and the number of activities must be appropriate for the individual.  Also, there must be adequate time for the child to do homework, participate in the family and just have some down time.  Our society has evolved to expect that every moment must be filled with activity.  That happens naturally, whether it is planned and 'participatory' or not.  Boredom can produce a healthy exercise of one's imagination and creativity that otherwise will not be stimulated.  Time to interact with family while everyone is still occupying the nest can produce a treasure trove of memories and opportunities for bonding that cannot otherwise develop.  Cherish the family time and teach.  Life will repay you for it.  Over-scheduling is detrimental to your child's physical life, social life, and to your family.  You will model for your child, so if you are over-scheduled, leaving inadequate time for rest, recreation, chores and family (not listed in any order of importance), it encourages your child to neglect what is important.  Stress individual needs as well as setting priorities in order to help everyone determine what is appropriate.

5) Learn Each Child's Temperament to Optimize His Education and Development

If you have more than one child, you probably are keenly aware that they are not exactly alike.  Same parents, same family, same upbringing, but...different.  While everyone has similarities to others, each is different and that difference is chiefly determined by what we like to call our InnerKinetics (temperament).  Those drives and urges are why we prefer different things, choose to respond differently to situations and are motivated by different factors.  That's why there are no pat answers for parenting every child.  However, if you follow the guide your child's temperament will provide, you'll have much greater success.  Understand your child! 

Just Do It! Show Your Strength!

Alright, SJs.  Fess up!  Have you ever felt like this?

The list of "To Dos" is growing, even though I proudly keep checking things off the list.  But there is one that I keep "overlooking" because I know it is going to be a huge task and I don't want to get started and then be constantly interrupted, making it take even longer.  I keep putting it off and, as a result, it's size appears to increase with each procrastination.

I've faced tasks like this before:  preparing my taxes, filling the requests for more documents to get this set up or that completed.  Even cleaning out the refrigerator is sometimes a daunting task, although right now I'd jump at the chance to do that if it means I can put off this one task.

Truth be told, however, once I get into those tasks and actually give them my undivided attention, they usually get completed MUCH faster than I ever dreamed they would and the dread was really worse than the task.  That "J" in our profiles that is our drive to come to closure, make a decision, take action is an asset when we use it.

Procrastination is a failure to use one of our strengths!  That non-use makes it a weakness!  So, knowing that "beginning is half done" (in the words of some wise person whom I can't identify), let's just take the bull by the horns and "do it!"  No need to get our knickers in a knot (as they say in New Zealand)! Just do it!

How about you?  Can you identify?  What are you putting off?  Just do it!

Can We Breathe Life Into Such a Legend?

pixabay.com/Masai

There is a beautiful legend telling of an African tribe that ritualizes forgiveness. When a tribe member acts irresponsibly or unjustly, the offender is taken to the center of the village. Work ceases and the entire village — every man, woman and child — gathers in a large circle around the accused. Then the tribe bombards the rejected person with affirmations! 

One at a time, friends and family enumerate all the good the individual has done: every incident, every experience that can be recalled with some detail and accuracy is recounted. All the offender's positive attributes, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. 

When all have said their praises, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the outcast is welcomed back into the tribe.  Restoration is complete.

What a beautiful ritual! They replace hurt with happiness, pain with peace, and bad with good many times over.  The rejected one is restored and the village is made whole once again.

Even if we did this as individuals in our own relationships, would the world begin to change?  Anger and resentment can only be dispelled through forgiveness and forgiveness frees the one who forgives to be happy and joyful.  It humbles and anoints the offender with the balm of peace when they choose to accept it.

In our current climate of division, hate speech and animosity, can we heal our nation — and our world — by beginning with this?  We can't change another's actions.  We can only change our own behavior.  Is this a place to begin?

Each temperament has strengths that can be used to best facilitate their ability to forgive and thereby experience the freedom and joy it offers.  If you are finding it difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you and would like to explore how you can get "beyond the past," consider Break Free by Ray W. Lincoln and remember, forgiveness frees the FORGIVER;  it's for you, not the offender (who may never even know they are forgiven).

It's About time

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.

“It’s today.”  squeaked Piglet.

“My favorite day.” said Pooh.

We SJs tend to worry - a lot!  It’s as if we think it is our job, so to speak, worrying about our kids, the nation’s future, the direction the world is headed, etc.  And we "spend" our time working hard at that "job."

Sometimes we allow ourselves to hold grudges when we have been wronged or we lie awake at night thinking about sad events in our past, things we could have done differently - and wishing we had. We all to often waste precious time upset with, instead of enjoying, those with whom we have relationships. And when they are gone, again we turn to thinking of the past and wishing we'd made better use of the time we had with them.

Can you identify with that?  

SPs escape both of those dilemmas by living in the present, grasping each exciting moment and squeezing every last drop of excitement out of each one.  Then they are off to the next adventure without a thought for what has past or any concern for what is ahead.

NTs?  Well, they could care less about time unless it is a factor in their current project.  For them time just interferes with progress.

NFs are more concerned with the future and tend to be content unless their vision sees no hope.  And their time is meaningful — meaningful relationships, meaningful work, meaningful play.

But SJs too often tend to allow both past and future to ruin the present.  

In the spring, I had the opportunity to take my computer, etc. outside to sit on my front porch and do a lot of my work here.  (That is something I yearn to do each spring, but the warm, sunny weather is sometime slow in arriving here in our part of Colorado).  Although it meant trying to play catchup from a 10-day vacation and trying to generate energy to drive the wheel of progress toward future goals, I was thoroughly enjoying the “present” that day.  The grasses were green on the hill in front of our house.  My garden was coming alive and blossoms on my annuals were multiplying daily.  I could hear the meadowlarks, finches and redwings singing, and a bald eagle had begun to make a large, dead tree on the hill in front of our house a regular stop on his hunting route.  All just seemed  right as I enjoyed it that day.   

TODAY is my “favorite day” and I am making it a goal to reach for that thought EVERY day!

There’s a great little (and I do mean “LITTLE”)  book called The Precious Present that I want to recommend to you.  Find it if you can.  I won’t spoil the story (which you can read from cover to cover in about 5 minutes), but it’s wonderful and intriguing at the same time.  I have a copy on my bookshelf, so if you happen to visit us and are interested, ask me to share it with you. I will!

Meanwhile, if you are an SJ, take the little conversation above between Pooh and Piglet to heart, along with these words of wisdom from Lao Tzu:

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.

If you are anxious, you are living in the future.

If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

Enjoy your TODAY!  Here’s to a world of wise and happy SJs - including YOU and me!

Motherhood Joys

From my earliest days, what I wanted most to be in life was a wife and mother.  (That’s a common goal for SJs, by the way.)  Realizing that dream is something that has brought me great joy.

The news of my first pregnancy brought mixed emotions, however, but only because I had just determined that I would dive full pelt into the task of completing my degree and was taking a heavy load of 18 hours of classes -- only to learn a few days after beginning that semester that I was pregnant.  All emotions turned to good ones after the initial shock, and my joy was complete when I held my first child, a beautiful little girl, in my arms.  It would be over four more years before my second bundle of joy, another beautiful little girl, would arrive to add spice to life.

Regardless of whether you became a mom through physical child birth, adoption, step-mom status, foster parenting or you have had the longing in your heart that has not been realized, you are still a mom and I honor you this month for your “motherhood.”

Memories of my children will always fill my “Joybox.”  My motherhood was not perfect.  Few could be described that way.  Yet the failures have provided wisdom that comes from “experience.”  More importantly, the heartaches are always overcome by the JOYS of motherhood, which are far too numerous to begin to list here.  

If you are fortunate enough to also be a grandmother (as I am) you know the added joy of seeing your precious child become a parent and having the added blessing of loving and finding joy in your grandchildren. 

So, here’s to all you moms out there!  Experience the joy!  Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Lighten Up, SJs!

As an SJ, we find ourselves oriented to the past and stingy with our trust, always carefully examining change, and slow to leap into the unfamiliar.  This often tends to reduce the joy in our lives.  

Since joy is such a needed “nutrient” to our health, it is my goal in this segment to introduce some things for all of us to consider (me, in particular) that I hope will increase the joy in our lives.

It’s April Fools' Day!  Some of my early thoughts in my waking moments were of possible April Fools pranks that I could play on Ray today.  As an SJ, I am less likely to “play” -- always being the serious, responsible, working “ox” in the pair.  (He works too -- VERY hard -- but he has a more "playful" way of going about it than I do.)  I really need to “work” at playing.  That’s a bad place to be in.  Though I long to have “silly times,” I tend to override them with responsibility.  

If you have SJ friends or are an SJ yourself, encourage the “sillies” in life.  We need to lighten up!  While all our responsibility and work ethic is a strength of this temperament, remember that “overuse” produces weakness.   ALL temperaments need joy!  What can you do today to bring JOY into your day?

Here is something that encourages JOY for me.  I hope it will bring some into your day as well.  Just try to watch without smiling!  I dare you!

Now, I’m going to go play a joke on Ray!

Is Your Spring Full of Weeds or Wishes?

Last week I saw the first dandelions near our Colorado home.  (Winter hangs around a little longer here than it does in my native Texas.)

What do you see when you look at this picture?

Is it a invasion to a beautiful lawn (read "weeds")?

Or is it an opportunity to grab one of those puff balls, blow on it and make a wish like you did when you were a kid?

It's a lot like looking at half a glass of water and asking whether it is half full or half empty.   Our answer says a lot about our mindset.

SJs tend to scrutinize things and attempt to "fix" things and make things orderly.  More often than not, we SJs would look at this picture and say, "Weeds!  Get the week killer.  They're invading the lawn and making our yard look uncared for."

An SP or NF, on the other hand, would be more likely to grab one and with glee blow the seeds everywhere, upsetting the caretaker SJ.  NTs might study the flower and the seed head carefully to determine the details of its reproductive cycle -- with no emotion evident.

I can be a little less distressed these days when I see dandelions since we don't have to do lawn care.  (Townhome living has its perks!)  So when I see these bright yellow "flowers," I smile at their sunny color that reminds me that summer IS coming -- soon.  And when I can blow a seed head with my granddaughters and make a wish, my "age" reduces significantly.

One of the things I try to do these days, however, is to remember to focus on the glass half full and choosing the joy of childhood wishes!  That mindset will give my days much more pleasure and that, in itself, is a wish come true.

The Blessing and Joy of Giving

Yes, it really is more blessed (a happy experience) to give than to receive — that is if you are giving out of love and care for the person you are gifting!  Just think about it: When you are giving out of love and care, you have the joy of thinking about the person and planning something that you hope will make their eyes light up or warm their heart.   Then you have the fun of finding that treasure you’ve been searching for, getting it “dressed” for presentation, anticipating the moment you can hand it off, and finally, experiencing the presentation of your expression of love.

The person who receives the gift gets “only” to receive that expression and enjoy the gift and the memory — still a nice experience, but not as great as the one experienced by the giver.

This is true of all temperaments, but each one performs the giving act in different ways.  Let’s examine:

The SP:  These are very generous people.   Generally very optimistic, they feel that resources abound and have no reservations about spreading the “joy” liberally.  They also like to do it with flare, pomp and circumstance, so their giving is often accompanied by some sort of “performance.”  The gift, as well as the method of presentation, may be extravagant.  If the recipient shows extreme delight and indicates that the SP has “made an impression,”  the SP will be delighted.

The SJ:  These folk give their gifts with care and much consideration.  Their desire is to find the “right” item for each person so that it suits the person’s needs as well as their desires.  Their gifts are likely to be of a more practical nature, but they will be the very best the giver can offer.  Sincere thanks and warm appreciation for the thought that went into the gift will reward the SJ for the effort expended.

The NT:  The gift will have to “make sense” to the NT as well as to the recipient (in the NT’s eyes).  If it makes sense to the NT, it is then dressed and presented in a manner that makes sense to the NT.  Even if it is extravagant, it might make sense — at least to the NT.  No-fuss expressions of thanks and confirmation of the well-thought-out selection is needed for the NT to feel satisfaction.  

The NF:  Their gifts are all about meaning and significance.   Their gifts are likely to have a “romantic” element when intended for a significant other or spouse.  If intended for a child, the NF will put as much meaning as possible into the gift and the giving, endeavoring to express the value of the relationship as well as they possibly can.  Warm hugs, smiles, loving looks, and kisses (where appropriate), along with generous verbal gratitude will assure the NF that they have indeed presented a meaningful expression of your love and care.

"Looking Forward" Is Not Typical of an SJ

As an SJ, I typically rely on experience, tradition, and historical perspectives for guidance in my

The "Beginning" of a Colorful Year!

present.  We are not often considered to be "forward thinking" individuals, unless we are planning logistically.

However, when it comes to some of the tangible experiences that we SJs like to appreciate with our very much-used five senses (which we rely on to experience the world around us and gather information), looking ahead is sometimes absolutely necessary.  And looking forward requires a lot of faith and hope, also two qualities we are not known for. (Unfortunately, we have a tendency to be rather pessimistic.)

In the years since we moved into our current home, I have purchased native Colorado wildflower seeds to scatter near our home and bulbs to naturalize in the hope of adding some color and beauty to our view during the "flowering" seasons of our Rocky Mountain location.  It was necessary to purchase the seeds for the correct planting year, which required planning -- something SJs are known for.  It also required planting the seeds and bulbs in early November with the HOPE that we would have enough snow or rain in the spring to help them germinate. 

Snows increase my anticipation each May, which is when we hope to see the first flowers reach the point of revealing their splendor.

Ah, spring!  A season of sensual ecstasy for the gardener! My dad was a gardener and also an SJ. However, his gardening was of a more "practical" nature (so he said). He found no usefulness in a flower garden.  "One can't feed a family with flowers, so why use the time and effort to grow flowers?" he said.  You'd think he was a pragmatic NT, but he was the same type SJ that I am.  And he became just as excited over his cucumbers, beans, and tomatoes as I do over my flowers. 

When the first bluebirds return to our favorite hiking trail, I know spring will soon overtake winter and I can hardly wait until early May when I can fill my pots (the extent of our suburban town home "garden") with annuals to brighten our entry! (One "disadvantage" to living in the Rocky Mountains is you must wait until after Mother's Day to plant annuals or you risk a late frost killing them. Guess what I want — and get — for Mother's Day!  My plants to fill my pot garden!)  

Each year we spend many enjoyable days overlooking the grassy hill before us and enjoying the emergence of the wildflowers.  

This SJ "looks forward" to May!  June!  July!  August! September!  October!

Gardens exist to please the eye and soothe the soul.  ~Author unknown

DETAILS! ISTJs and Stagefright

Details can plague everyone in life.  If you are of another temperament (other than SJ), consider that

attention to details is one of the strengths of the SJ's temperament and that an SJ might be a real asset on your next project.

Maybe you're a creative NF who sees the "big picture."  You have the strengths to see the finished project, but how do you get from here to there.  Likewise, the SP is great at tactical, quick action decisions, but what about those that require logistics to accomplish projects that require a great deal of attention to detail?  Such tasks can surely take a lot of "fun" out of the present moment.  And the NT is very strategic, but would rather be the visionary and get the ball rolling.  The NT can count on the SJ to keep the ball rolling and on course.

However, while detail is a strength of the SJ, sometimes the other letters get in the way of the SJ's success.  Let me relate a case in point.

When I was in elementary school, there were "Interscholastic League" competitions.  Does anyone out there remember them?  Oh well, never mind. That probably dates me terribly.  During my third grade year, I was selected to compete in "Story Telling" because of my skill at hearing a story and retelling it with all the details so perfectly.  I had no problem at all in retelling a story to my classmates, parents, or whomever, and doing so exactly as my teacher had read it or told it to me.

Competition day arrived.  To this day, I can remember the feeling.  I suddenly realized that I would be retelling a story on a stage in a strange place in front of a lot of strangers.   As the story was read to the group of contestants, stage-fright set in.  When it came my time to retell the story, I had no clue what the story was about beyond the first scene.  I stood on stage, frozen at first, and then began to tell a story that began as all the other contestants had begun, but soon took a surprise direction and end as I somehow fabricated, from my imagination, a story I had never heard in order to suppress my total ignorance of the real one.  Needless to say, I did not win.

Furthermore, the entire experience was one of complete humiliation that "did a number" on my self-esteem.  I don't remember what I did after that, but I am sure it included some acting out.

What happened?  My "I" overpowered the other letters - even the "T."  Introverted SJs don't like to be in the spotlight unless they are in a very familiar setting and among familiar people.  I was traumatized by the episode.  I can remember the panic I felt to this day.  It made me extremely conscientious about getting the details right from there on.

Have you noticed that SJs (like me) tend to correct every detail when you are telling your story?  Well, don't be too hard on us.  We are hardwired to get the details right.  If traumatized by an experience like mine, they may be even more so.  Just laugh to yourself and try to appreciate how their attention to details can help you or your team reach your next goal.  It will be good for your team and for the SJ's self-esteem.  (And Ray, when you read this, I'll try to leave counting the wildlife completely to you next time.  LOL!)

The Miracles within CHANGE

Yesterday, with great reluctance, I dismantled the Christmas tree and packed away all the decorations.  Traditions are a huge part of the SJ’s world and Christmas has always been very special in my life, such a miracle is this season. 

As a kid, Mom recognized it’s importance to me.  She always had me assist with the decorations and when I was big enough to handle the task on my own, she turned it over to me.  

When we moved into our first BIG house, I added a second Christmas tree and began a tradition of having a crowd of friends over for a Christmas Tea (English “high tea” style) on a Sunday in December.  The traditions grew with each passing year until our move to New Zealand in 2005.  Traditions had to change then, of necessity.  Change and tradition seem to oppose each other, and that's exactly what happened then.

There must also be a moving beyond traditions like Christmas (although all the beauty, warmth, memories, and magic of sharing with family and friends during the holiday creates my reluctance). So, I have moved into the new year with the hope and anticipation of what this year will bring.   

Changes are taking place in our lives, as I am sure they are in yours as well.  That’s inevitable as long as we are alive.  Change happens constantly.  SJs dislike - or are very cautions about - change. Admittedly, it has been a challenge for me to adjust at times.  But change we must, and the best idea is to accept the changes and make sure they are changes for the better, aided by positive attitudes, growth to accommodate the changes, and an eagerness to see the miracles that the changes bring.

Yes!  I did say “miracles.”  Miracles are only recognized in hindsight, you know.  Therefore, with each change, and even in the apparent “calamities” you face this year, watch for the miracles that you’ll see when you look back on the experience.  When you anticipate the miracles, it’s much easier to adjust to the changes and struggles.  Let’s make it a “tradition” to welcome change and watch for the miracles they bring.